How Do We Communicate?

I walked down my street, unable to take in what had transpired earlier with my boyfriend. 

Where did I go wrong? 

Deji and I met online.

After a few calls and dates, we decided to take the next step to being in a relationship. 

And 3 months in, I called it quits.

Why? You ask?

Well, he found me to be a burden to him.

Me, Gloria. A burden?

In all my years of dating, never have I ever been called a burden by any of my exes. 

Deji came back from his sibling's wedding few weeks back. 

Before the wedding, he was stressed out and as a girlfriend, all I could do was try to comfort him and be a support. 

I decided not to call him throughout the wedding week, knowing how extra busy he would be but I did tell him we should check up on each other via messages. 

I kept my end of the deal but I never faulted Deji for not doing the same. All I had in my mind was, "he must be so stressed or busy. He doesn't need disturbance at this time."

A week went by after the wedding. I called and no answer. 

I sent messages via sms and whatsapp and I was put on read. 

What is going on? 

I was beginning to get frustrated, upset and worried at the same time. Most of all, I felt my constant calls made me look extra desperate and you are right, he did make me feel desperate. 

Days went by and Deji finally called. Instead of happiness and joy, I felt anger. My face flushed red.

"What am I to you Deji? What do you take me for? I send you messages and you wouldn't reply and even if you did reply, all I got was you saying you are busy. You think i'm not busy too? Do you think a relationship is a one-way thing? You make me feel like i'm dating myself. Hello? Hello? Deji, are you there?"

All I could hear was a sigh.

"You are putting me under pressure. I am going through a lot here. Work isn't going so well. I'm flat out broke and you calling me and sending me messages is like a burden to me" Deji said.

I was gobsmacked. Me? A Pressure? A burden? Just because I wanted to know how he was doing? Me  trying to care was now a burden? I gave him the space he needed. All I wanted, even if it wasn't everyday, was for us to check up on each other to know we were ok and nothing more. 

"If you find me a burden and pressure to you, would you prefer we called this relationship off?" I asked.

"Are you trying to break up with me? I told you I am not doing okay".

"well, that's clearly not what you told me. Unless you want to say i'm deaf and didn't hear you properly. You sepcifically said I was pressuring you with my messages and calls. How was I to know that there were issues going on in your life if you didn't care to share them? Part of being in a relationship is to encourage each other through hard times but if one sees the other partner as part of the issues in their lives, don't you think it's best to end it than torture the other person? Instead of making the other feel they are in the relationship alone?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way."

After our long talk and settlement and encouragement towards each other for us to do better as a couple, I thought things would change. 

I was wrong.

It got worse. 

I began to harden my heart so as to kill the feels. 

It wasn't easy.

The dates he set up, he canceled them. 

Valentines day, No calls or messages. 

I was Livid. 

At the end of the month, I sent him a message.

"Thank you for the few days together. 

I will remember the good times.

I sincerly hope you do not treat the next lady you bring into your life the way you have treated me. 

I sincerly hope you see her as your partner and person, instead a burden. 

And please, sort your life out before getting into another relationship.

You have a problem with communication and you need to remember that communication in a relationship is a 2 way thing, not one. 

Have a nice life ahead of you Deji".

*Message sent*

Few hours later.

*Message Read*

No Reply!

Often times we see ouselves in Gloria and Deji. 

We often forget that communication is vital for a healthy relationship.

While all relationships are different and each has its own ups and downs, talking to your partner means that you are able to share your worries, show support for one another, and find a way to work together so you can handle the conflicts.

For men, it is important to hear and validate your partner's feels. If you deny the validity of her needs and perceptions, she will feel like she's alone in the relationship and unsurpported. Listen to your Partners and Validate her perspective.

For Ladies, Ask him to listen to your awareness and communicate the support you would like to make your relationship more enjoyable and fulfiling.

Make sure to remember that communication is a two-way thing and not one-way.